Milnication

So Last Decade

As of late I’ve started getting rather excited about the prospect of 2010 and the new decade it brings. This upcoming decade needs to have more awesome and less suck than the last one. So here’s a list of what needs to be left behind, in the ”Noughties” (that word is one of them), for that to occur:

Global Warming

This definitely has to be left behind. Not only is ‘living green’ totally inconvenient and lame, but the solution to this problem has been under everyone’s noses all along. The forest moon of Endor seems completely inhabitable, so why don’t we just head there once Earth gets really bad? The stupid government needs to stop spending it’s time and money on fixing the probably and turn their attention to building a spacecraft capable of transporting us there. If I was on a sinking ship I’d get out on a lifeboat and bounce on that death trap, not stay and try to fix it.

Myspace

Speaking of sinking ships….
That place has become a desolate wasteland of bad bands and scene girls. I do admit that I was lured into that particular social network for some time by the latter. The self-esteem raising praises of scene girls brought on by promises of PC4PC and W4W were too much and in no time at all this cute almost scene boy had amassed a small army of 14-16 year old girls.
To quote C-3PO:

“They’re using a very primitive dialect, but I do believe they think I am some sort of god.”

I almost feel obliged to go down with this ship, but I’m Billy Zane-ing this one.

Santa

Dear Santa,
Switch the style up. Seriously. He does the same thing year after year and am I the only one who thinks it’s getting tiresome? The only person in the known world that’s older than him is Madonna, and she is constantly reinventing herself and therefore people still pay attention to her. He needs to do the same. A complete overhaul is in order. But he has to keep the reindeer; they’re my favourite mythical creature.

Fashion

Rockstar merchandise, Monster merchandise, T-shirts with ”funny” slogans on them such as ”While you’re reading this I’m staring at your chest.”, ratstails, hair shaved at the front but left long at the back, coloured jeans, coloured shorts, anything neon, Southern Cross tattoos, nautical star tattoos, Southern Cross tattoos where each star is a nautical star, scarves that were given out for free with Dolly Magazine, flat-brimmed baseball caps and baseball caps worn sideways all need to be left in the last decade. Please. For the love of God. Leave them all.

Pandemics

People need to stop worrying about pandemics that could kill us all, especially the flus. Whether it’s the Asian, Bird or the Swine Flu, everyone just needs to chill out. We all know that robots turning against the human race will bring about the apocalypse, not some flu. It’s scientifcally proven.

The End?

Wake Up In The Morning….

When I woke up this morning I woke up feeling like Ke$ha. Normally this wouldn’t bother me as I often wake up feeling like a girl, but this time I’m a little worried. It turns out I woke up this morning feeling like Ke$ha feeling like P. Diddy. So, right at this very moment, I’m a 21 year old male who feels like a young woman who feels like a 40 year old black man. You have no idea what’s going on in my mind right now. This is my nightmare.

I always knew it’d end like this.

Jesus Blogs

Have you ever thought about how great it would have been if blogs had existed when Jesus was alive? Imagine all of the knowledge he could have left for us. For example:

* He could have told us how to resurrect ourselves. It takes three days to do it, so it must be difficult, but if he left us a ”How To” guide to doing it then it could still be possible today. Even a downloadable tutorial to turning water into wine or how to make a small amount of food feed thousands could have been immensely helpful to us all.

* The rumour that Jesus rode on a Velociraptor could finally be confirmed or denied.

* An anonymous comment could have tipped Jesus off about Judas and that whole crucifixion thing could have been avoided.

* People wouldn’t have to follow Jesus all around the land, simply subscribing to his RSS feed would have had the same effect.

I know that through the Bible we have all learnt a lot about Jesus and how to live, etc, but a lot of people haven’t read the Bible. Easter ruins that one for everyone. SPOILER ALERT: JESUS DIES. A lot of people won’t read a book if they already know the ending.

Therefore, a blog would have helped us all. Or at least Twitter.

Lesbians? No, Thanks.

Call me gay, but I’ve never really gotten the appeal of lesbians to men. I mean, I understand why it’s great to have two things that you love. For example; I’d love to have an Ewok. And do you know what I’d like more than having an Ewok? Having two Ewoks. But when the two Ewoks start kissing and nibbling each other and then begin doing horrible things together involving strap-on objects I begin to not like them so much. Also, lesbians don’t want to have sex with dudes anyway.

Oh, and whilst I’m on the subject of lesbians they need to stop it with the whole ‘short hair’ thing. Seriously, it’s a dead giveaway.

The Facebook Experiment

As you may have noticed Facebook now gives you suggestions in the top right hand corner of your home page. These are to better both your Facebook experience and also the experience of your friends through saying ‘Hello’, giving them the latest news, sending them a message, etc.

I’ve decided that over the next month I’m going to do everything Facebook suggests to me to see just how much better my life is by the end of it, and whether or not I’m enjoying Facebooking as much as I currently am.

So, if you get any awkward mesages from me just saying ‘Hi’ or I just happen to let you know all about the current goings on in my life then know that this is why. I’ll report back in a month with my results.

Oh, and Milnication.com now has a Facebook page. Become a fan and boost my self-esteem: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Milnication/184261327481

Duel Of The Fates

Last night as I, a 21 year old, walked around my girlfriend’s kitchen having an imaginary lightsaber battle using an empty roll of wrapping paper as my weapon, that was the song that was playing in my head. Part of me hopes that I’m not the only one who still has imaginary lightsaber battles, but all of me wishes that this song played constantly throughout my life. I’d definitely feel much better about myself.

Oh, and if you have any spare wrapping paper rolls that are empty please keep them for me. I need to tape two together so I can have Darth Maul’s lightsaber.

I’m also now accepting duel challenges.

(For those that are unaware of the song (shame on you) you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyCigHHwOcE.)

Gangs Of New Castle

After many sleepless nights spent wondering how the lonely, decaying streets of Newcastle could be brought back to life I finally realised what has to be done:

I’m starting a gang.

No longer will our streets be filled with spray-tanned, scantily-clad hussies. No longer will the roar of obnoxious cars driven by generic, energy drink merchandise wearing boys shatter our night’s silence. We will control all that is cool and fashionable. We will take back the night.

Our actions will only be known by those within, but they will be felt by all.

Before our presence can be made known there are details that must be decided upon. We need a name. We need a way to recognise fellow gang members. We need a symbol. We need a headquarters (preferably a tree-house, but I’m open to suggestions).

Express your interest in joining through a comment below.

We’re fighting the generic and the monotonous. Pick a team.